How to talk to kids about isms!
Hello, parent, caregiver, friend, and/or teacher!
It's nice to see you here. :)
Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions?
“My favorite Richard Scarry book has some old-fashioned ideas in it. Should I mention this to my kid?”
“How do we talk to our pre-school class about racism?”
"My kid loves the Little Mermaid. I know that it's a sexist movie but I love it, too, and I want to share it with him. Is there something that I can do to help him understand the sexism without ruining our fun?"
“What age is right to start these kinds of talks? Shouldn't kids stay innocent of such horrors for awhile?”
I’m so glad that you asked.
Q: What age is right to start?
A: Now.
Q. Why?
A:
Kids in marginalized groups have to hear about isms as soon as they come into the world. Kids who are not in marginalized groups do not, and this omission is harmful. To repeat: Being able to choose when your kid encounters discussions of racism, homophobia, etc. is a privilege that actually does harm, so I urge us all not to wait.
Using this framework, and the phrases I’ll give you below, can help you deliver this critical info to kids as young as two or three (really!) in a way that is developmentally appropriate and safe.
This system also scales up - it’s still useful for tweens, teenagers, and adults.
Q: So, what do I do?
A: I recommend this framework:
Within this framework, use these
three easy steps
to teach your kids & students to see problematic content
in any context:
Point out the ism in a positive tone.
“Oh, look! There’s something in that Dr. Seuss book that’s important to notice.”
State what is not ok, in developmentally appropriate language.
“Look - there are no girls in that book anywhere! Isn’t that silly! 150 boys and no girls! I want you to know that that is sexism. One kind of sexism is when people forget that girls exist. Dr. Seuss forgot that girls exist. That’s so silly!”
Tell the child that it’s important to be able to see these things, and that you are so happy to be able to teach them to see them. If the book is Otherwise Lovely, feel free to point out both the good and the retrograde! Lovely Books can have problematic parts, and even small kids can grasp this.
“I’m so glad I can teach you to see sexism, so that you know what it is. This used to happen all the time! We know better now, but sometimes people still forget that girls exist. I’m so glad that we can see sexism and point it out to help it get changed. Thank you for learning how to notice it with me. It helps me enjoy the rest of the book more.”
So, how does this work in real life?
A few examples*:
If you are watching How To Train Your Dragon:
1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice.”
2. “Look - there are no people of color in this film anywhere! I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people forget that people of color exist. A whole town with no people of color! Isn’t that ridiculous? ”
3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism, so that you know what it is. This used to happen all the time! We know better now, but sometimes people still forget that people of color exist and need to be included in all stories. I’m so glad that we can see racism and point it out to help it get changed. Thank you for learning how to notice it with me.”
If you are watching How To Train Your Dragon 2:
1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice.”
2. “Look - there is only one person of color in this film, and he is the scary Black villain with dreadlocks and an African accent! I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people tell the wrong stories about Black people. This movie is telling a story that says that Black people are evil and different and scary, and don’t belong with the white people, and will try to hurt white people. Isn’t that ridiculous?”
3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...”
If you are reading The Secret Garden:
1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this book that’s important to notice.”
2. “Look - there is only one portrayal of someone disabled in this book, and he ‘cures himself’ by going outside and thinking positively. I want you to know that that is ableism. One kind of ableism is when people tell the wrong stories about disabled people. This movie is telling a story that says that disabled people are broken and need to be "cured." It is also saying that they can be "cured” if they just change their attitudes, and get more exercise and outside time. It’s also telling the story that disabled people are not as good as able-bodied people, and are miserable and damaged. We know that those stories aren’t true. Some disabled people are stronger than me and you, and some are not as strong; some are very happy and some are not; some are healthy and some are not; some are seeking a "cure" and some are not. Each disabled person is their own individual person. And we know that it certainly isn’t how “positive” you are that controls how healthy you are. Isn’t that ridiculous?”
3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see ableism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...”
If you are reading The Little Princess:
1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this book that’s important to notice.”
2. “Look - every time this character shows up, the author described that his skin is “dark”, or “dusky”, or “brown.” And she never mentions the skin color of everyone else. I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people tell the wrong stories about people of color. This book is telling a story that says that white people are “just plain normal” and that people of color are the “weird” exception. Isn’t that ridiculous?”
3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...”
If you are reading Tintin In Tibet or Caddie Woodlawn or To Kill A Mockingbird, or watching The Blind Side, or that completely gratuitous and invented scene in the [otherwise lovely] movie Hidden Figures where Kevin Costner destroys a “c-----d bathroom” sign:
1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice.”
2. “Look - the white person saves the person of color in this story. I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people tell the wrong stories about people of color. This movie is telling a story that says that people of color need white folks to save them, and can’t solve their own problems or take care of themselves. This is called a White Savior story. Isn’t that ridiculous? "
3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...”
If you are watching The Lorax (movie), or The Muppet Movie (the 2011 version):
1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice."
2. “Look - that character just made a comment that they weren’t sure if the other character was ‘really’ a girl. That is called gender policing, and it is not OK. I want you to know that that is transphobia. One kind of transphobia is when people tell the wrong stories about transgender folks. This movie is telling a story that says that it’s OK to criticize people’s gender, to comment on what you think that gender is, and to make it clear when you don’t agree with the gender the person says they are. We know that all of those behaviors are terribly rude and hurtful. We know that we believe people when they tell us their gender, and they don’t even have to tell us if they don’t want to, because someone else’s gender is none of our business!"
3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see transphobia; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...”
Q: So, how does this scale up?
A: Great question. Here is an example of a more mature level of conversation, discussing the Black Lives Matter movement:
"Remember when Darren Wilson described Michael Brown as a "demon"? Remember how many ways Wilson, who had a gun, described being scared of Michael Brown, who was unarmed? This kind of story is why it's important to understand how destructive it is to tell the wrong stories about Black people. Our culture tells the story, over and over, that Black people are scary, aggressive, dangerous, uncivilized, violent and more. All of these are lies. And all of these contribute to the ways that Black people are discriminated against, and even attacked and sometimes killed, by people from across all facets of our community, including teachers, store owners, their colleagues, and police officers like Darren Wilson."
Q: So how can I motivate my kids to look for these isms on their own?
A: Ha ha. Honestly? I bribed my kids. Ten cents for every ism they found. And now that they are 9 and 12, they can spot a lot of it a mile away. When I hear one of them yell, "Toxic Masculinity! Ten Cents!" ...I feel like a pretty darn good mama! And...they have accumulated a LOT of dimes.
That's it! I'll answer any questions you have in further posts. Let me know how it works for you!
* please note that all of the above Otherwise Lovely books, movies, and tv shows have more issues than just the ones I chose to discuss on this page. But y'all could probably guess that, and I wanted to keep this post under 4 million words.
I like it; getting there: "Isn't that silly?" "Ridiculous" "Yay; glad we can now see sexism/racism", etc.
ReplyDeleteThats' good...
...and -- I think there also needs to be room for some less pleasant feelings, like:
• That's so sad!
• That makes me so mad! Why do they do that?
• I'm afraid! What if someone thinks *I* don't exist? What do I do then?
And modeling around what to do around these feelings.
Thanks.