How to talk to kids about isms!

isms can be summed up as just two things: forgetting a group exists telling the wrong story about a group

Hello, parent, caregiver, friend, and/or teacher!

It's nice to see you here. :)

Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions?

“My favorite Richard Scarry book has some old-fashioned ideas in it. Should I mention this to my kid?”

“How do we talk to our pre-school class about racism?”

"My kid loves the Little Mermaid. I know that it's a sexist movie but I love it, too, and I want to share it with him. Is there something that I can do to help him understand the sexism without ruining our fun?"

“What age is right to start these kinds of talks? Shouldn't kids stay innocent of such horrors for awhile?”

 I’m so glad that you asked. 

Q: What age is right to start? 

A: Now. 

Q. Why? 

A:

1. Kids in marginalized groups have to hear about isms as soon as they come into the world. Kids who are not in marginalized groups do not, and this omission is harmful. To repeat: Being able to choose when your kid encounters discussions of racism, homophobia, etc. is a privilege that actually does harm, so I urge us all not to wait. 

2. Using this framework, and the phrases I’ll give you below, can help you deliver this critical info to kids as young as two or three (really!) in a way that is developmentally appropriate and safe. 

3. This system also scales up - it’s still useful for tweens, teenagers, and adults. 

Q: So, what do I do?

A: I recommend this framework:

isms can be summed up as just two things: forgetting a group exists telling the wrong story about a group

Within this framework, use these

three easy steps 

to teach your kids & students to see problematic content

in any context:

1. Point out the ism in a positive tone. 

1. “Oh, look! There’s something in that Dr. Seuss book that’s important to notice.”

2. State what is not ok, in developmentally appropriate language.

1. “Look - there are no girls in that book anywhere! Isn’t that silly! 150 boys and no girls! I want you to know that that is sexism. One kind of sexism is when people forget that girls exist. Dr. Seuss forgot that girls exist. That’s so silly!”

3. Tell the child that it’s important to be able to see these things, and that you are so happy to be able to teach them to see them. If the book is Otherwise Lovely, feel free to point out both the good and the retrograde! Lovely Books can have problematic parts, and even small kids can grasp this.

1. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see sexism, so that you know what it is. This used to happen all the time! We know better now, but sometimes people still forget that girls exist. I’m so glad that we can see sexism and point it out to help it get changed. Thank you for learning how to notice it with me. It helps me enjoy the rest of the book more.” 

So, how does this work in real life?

A few examples*: 

If you are watching How To Train Your Dragon: 

            1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice.”

            2. “Look - there are no people of color in this film anywhere! I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people forget that people of color exist. A whole town with no people of color! Isn’t that ridiculous? ”

            3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism, so that you know what it is. This used to happen all the time! We know better now, but sometimes people still forget that people of color exist and need to be included in all stories. I’m so glad that we can see racism and point it out to help it get changed. Thank you for learning how to notice it with me.” 

If you are watching How To Train Your Dragon 2: 

        

            1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice.”

            

            2. “Look - there is only one person of color in this film, and he is the scary Black villain with dreadlocks and an African accent! I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people tell the wrong stories about Black people. This movie is telling a story that says that Black people are evil and different and scary, and don’t belong with the white people, and will try to hurt white people. Isn’t that ridiculous?”

            3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...” 

If you are reading The Secret Garden: 

            1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this book that’s important to notice.”

            2. “Look - there is only one portrayal of someone disabled in this book, and he ‘cures himself’ by going outside and thinking positively. I want you to know that that is ableism. One kind of ableism is when people tell the wrong stories about disabled people. This movie is telling a story that says that disabled people are broken and need to be "cured." It is also saying that they can be "cured” if they just change their attitudes, and get more exercise and outside time. It’s also telling the story that disabled people are not as good as able-bodied people, and are miserable and damaged. We know that those stories aren’t true. Some disabled people are stronger than me and you, and some are not as strong; some are very happy and some are not; some are healthy and some are not; some are seeking a "cure" and some are not. Each disabled person is their own individual person. And we know that it certainly isn’t how “positive” you are that controls how healthy you are.  Isn’t that ridiculous?”

            3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see ableism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...” 

If you are reading The Little Princess: 

            1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this book that’s important to notice.”

            2. “Look - every time this character shows up, the author described that his skin is “dark”, or “dusky”, or “brown.” And she never mentions the skin color of everyone else. I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people tell the wrong stories about people of color. This book is telling a story that says that white people are “just plain normal” and that people of color are the “weird” exception.  Isn’t that ridiculous?”

            3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...” 

If you are reading Tintin In Tibet or Caddie Woodlawn or To Kill A Mockingbird, or watching The Blind Side, or that completely gratuitous and invented scene in the [otherwise lovely] movie Hidden Figures where Kevin Costner destroys a “c-----d bathroom” sign:

            1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice.”

            2. “Look - the white person saves the person of color in this story. I want you to know that that is racism. One kind of racism is when people tell the wrong stories about people of color. This movie is telling a story that says that people of color need white folks to save them, and can’t solve their own problems or take care of themselves. This is called a White Savior story. Isn’t that ridiculous? "

            3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see racism; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...” 

If you are watching The Lorax (movie), or The Muppet Movie (the 2011 version): 

            1. “Oh, look! There’s something in this movie that’s important to notice."

            2. “Look - that character just made a comment that they weren’t sure if the other character was ‘really’ a girl. That is called gender policing, and it is not OK. I want you to know that that is transphobia. One kind of transphobia is when people tell the wrong stories about transgender folks. This movie is telling a story that says that it’s OK to criticize people’s gender, to comment on what you think that gender is, and to make it clear when you don’t agree with the gender the person says they are. We know that all of those behaviors are terribly rude and hurtful. We know that we believe people when they tell us their gender, and they don’t even have to tell us if they don’t want to, because someone else’s gender is none of our business!"

            3. “I’m so glad I can teach you to see transphobia; thank you for learning how to notice it with me...” 

Q: So, how does this scale up?

A: Great question. Here is an example of a more mature level of conversation, discussing the Black Lives Matter movement:

"Remember when Darren Wilson described Michael Brown as a "demon"? Remember how many ways Wilson, who had a gun, described being scared of Michael Brown, who was unarmed? This kind of story is why it's important to understand how destructive it is to tell the wrong stories about Black people. Our culture tells the story, over and over, that Black people are scary, aggressive, dangerous, uncivilized, violent and more. All of these are lies. And all of these contribute to the ways that Black people are discriminated against, and even attacked and sometimes killed, by people from across all facets of our community, including teachers, store owners, their colleagues, and police officers like Darren Wilson."

Q: So how can I motivate my kids to look for these isms on their own? 

A: Ha ha. Honestly? I bribed my kids. Ten cents for every ism they found. And now that they are 9 and 12, they can spot a lot of it a mile away. When I hear one of them yell, "Toxic Masculinity! Ten Cents!" ...I feel like a pretty darn good mama!  And...they have accumulated a LOT of dimes. 

That's it! I'll answer any questions you have in further posts. Let me know how it works for you! 

* please note that all of the above Otherwise Lovely books, movies, and tv shows have more issues than just the ones I chose to discuss on this page. But y'all could probably guess that, and I wanted to keep this post under 4 million words.

 

We Don't Eat Our Classmates, by Ryan T. Higgins 

Rating: An Otherwise Lovely Book 

An adorable kindergartener, who happens to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex, learns empathy. Book includes several inclusive and ground-breaking details but also, ARGH, portrays Asian-American kids with slits for eyes. 

This charming and funny book is one of the reasons that I decided to start this blog. It's really sweet, and has a great message, and even has an illustrator who worked to be very inclusive - but also includes one fairly glaring racist detail, as well as several of the usual omissions and arbitrary gender messages.  

Pros: 

- There are clearly kids of different races and religions portrayed in this book. There seems to be a Jewish kid wearing a kippa, a kid who might be muslim wearing hijab, and kids with skin of different shades of beige and brown. There are two kids who seem to have textured hair, one in puffballs; there is a kid who seems to be a kid of size, and kids who look like they might be Latinx or Native American. While most of the characters seem to have names that seem to come from the white American/European traditions that fill most American picture books (Karen, Griffin, Mrs. Noodleman, etc.), there is also one kid with the last name "Omoto," which seems to me to be Japanese in origin. This rings as inclusive to me (but I'm not Japanese, so I am definitely open to correction here.) There is also a kid named "Rotem" and another kid named "Eben," which I know as Hebrew names. 

- Penelope Rex is presented as a little girl dinosaur, but she is not overly presented with feminized details like pink lips or enormous eyelashes. She looks refreshingly physically gender neutral for a female character in a picture book. (As opposed to, for instance, these old Mercer Mayer chestnuts where the girls are always wearing enormous ribbons in their hair.) There are also several other female-presenting people in the book who are wearing blue, brown, red, and other colors that aren't pink.

- The book has some fun moments where we learn that Penelope loves ponies "because they are delicious," and other dinosaur-related takes on preschool themes.

- Penelope learns empathy.

Cons: 

- William Omoto - the only kid with an asian-sounding name - has slits for eyes. One other unnamed character has eyes that are sometimes presented as slits and at other times round. The rest of the characters have round eyes at all times. This is super not OK. 

An illustration from "We Don't Eat Our Classmates," showing a kid in a kippa, one in hijab, and kids with varied textures of hair and varied skin tones. Note the slits for eyes on "William Omoto" on the bottom right. 

- While Penelope is not presented as physically female-signaling, as I mentioned before, she is wearing pink. There is one other other female-presenting kid in pink, and there are no boys in pink. 

- The parent dinosaurs are drawn as differening along the lines of traditional gender expectations: the mom dinosaur wears pearls, and the dad has large "masculine" eyebrows.

If you share this otherwise lovely book with kids, here are some inclusive discussion tips: 

1) Point out that for some reason the illustrator used the old racist idea that Asian and Asian-American people have slits for eyes, which is racist and not ok. 

2) point out the other inclusive details, like the hijab, kippa, and skin tones, as positive examples of drawing a classroom the way classrooms really are, with lots of different kinds of folks. 

3) Point out that there are no visibly disabled kids in this classroom other than the kid who wears glasses, and talk about ableism by omission, as well as hidden disabilities. 

4) Point out that the parent dinosaurs are divided by gender using signals (pearls and facial hair) that American humans expect, which is kind of silly and arbitrary, since they are dinosaurs...and is also silly and arbitrary even for humans! Girls can have hairy eyebrows and boys can wear pearls, and also, some families have two moms or two dads or three parents or just one parent... 

- toreyanna

 

Ghosts, by Reina Tegelmeier

NOT RECOMMENDED

A lot of folks love Reina Tegelmeier's graphic novels, but this is the first one I encountered and it's a flat out Do Not Recommend.   Many activist book reviewers have already done the legwork for me so it's very easy for me to articulate why this book is not a good choice, and I thank Debbie Reese, Laura Jimenez, Amy Cheney, and Beverly Slapin for all of their hard work that I am sourcing. Even the image above comes from American Indians In Children's Literature.  

1. In this book Tegelmeier appropriates and distorts what she sees as Mexican/Latinx culture, including using names that wouldn't be used, presenting distorted portrayals of rituals and myths, and building upon a distressing lack of research. Here are three reviews more fully addressing and articulating these concerns from Debbie Reese, Laura Jimenez, and Beverly Slapin. 
2. Furthermore, when Ms. Tegelmeier has been asked to address these concerns, she has doubled down, as Amy Cheney has meticulously documented, and insisted on her right to create this book in this way, even when it marginalizes and injures the community she is trying to "celebrate."  

Don't waste your time on this one. There are books and graphic novels with strong Latina girls; there are books about Dia De Los Muertos and/or the murderous California Missions that are appropriate and accurate; there are lively and fun adventure stories that do not step on marginalized cultures in building the plot. De Colores: La Raza Experience in Books For Children is an excellent place to find all of these themes and more. 

*Please note that my son states that there is one good thing about this book, and I concur: it centers his favorite drink, Jarritos. 

 Pandemic movies for a slightly older and more bloodthirsty audience, mwa ha ha ha ha 

In the last entry, I pointed out a couple of recent family movies on TV that I thought were extra inclusive and exciting, both for the worlds that they portray, and for the ones they portend. 

But we don't always let the 7 year olds into the room. Here are two new flicks I adored that skew a little older, but have just as good social justice commentary! 

Knives Out

Rating: A Lovely Movie 

Twisted Whodunnit Fun With A Great Class and Race Message

If you like suspenseful whodunnits with biting class and race commentary, whoa baby, are you in for a treat! We let our 9-year old watch this but I'm not sure that's actually good parenting practice for all 9-year olds. My older son has suggested that we rate it 10+.   

This film has a mostly white cast, which is usually a reason for me to pass, but the whiteness is the point here. The story involves a woman of color, Marta, who is a private nurse to the patriarch of a family of rich white folks, some of whom are Trump supporters. Patriarch dies violently. Comedy and suspense ensue.  

Big pros for this movie: 

- IT'S SO FUNNY. Watching the rich white folks be such feckless idiots made my day.

- It's super clever. I had no idea where it was going. 

- The class and race commentary is excellent, touching on themes of the vulnerability of undocumented people, and the weird power dynamics between Marta and the family that hired her. I want to point out one very powerful scene, but without completely spoiling it, so I'll just say this: there is a moment in this movie where somebody whom Marta trusts uses Marta's mother's undocumented status against her. Marta seems to quickly forgive that person, and hugs them in the moment. 

This is SUCH a powerful moment for education for any kids watching. In my family, we used it to discuss how when humans feel threatened, we have to be extra careful not to throw those less powerful than we are "under the bus." That while Marta hugs that person, it's very likely that Marta will never trust said person again, because that person has shown that when the chips are down that person will choose privilege over trust. 

As a mom who is raising kids who have a significant amount of societal privilege, I'm glad to find places where I can really discuss with them concrete examples of what it means to slip up and hurt others with that privilege. 

Ready or Not

Rating: An Otherwise Lovely Movie 

Lots of Bloody Fun, Skinny Typical White Blond Cis etc. Heroine

In case you can't tell from the movie poster, this film is not for kids. I think I'd wait until maybe 14+ unless I had a kid who was really already accustomed to bloodbaths. This is a horror movie and a bloodbath!

Knowing that, those of you who know me personally may be wondering what alien ate my brain, or if someone should be taking my temperature. And it is true that I tend to be both squeamish and...whatever the opposite of jaded is...? 

And so horror usually really isn't my thing. I have never seen Halloween, Scream, or even The Lost Boys. I only saw Nightmare on Elm Street because I was seriously crushing on Johnny Depp at the time. 

But here's the thing: I LOVED Get Out. Horror used for anti-racist social commentary? I'm there, baby. And what a perfect, perfect film that is. 

Ready or Not does the same thing for class as Get Out did for race - and it's much, much funnier.  The laughs are really similar to the ones for Knives Out - rich white people who are used to getting their way and who devolve into utter incompetent and helpless fools at the first sign of any resistance. I cackled my way through the whole thing and I highly, highly recommend it. 

I recommend it with one caveat: the heroine is yet another skinny, blond, white woman, and honestly, we don't need more of that. (In fact, the actress, Samara Weaving, looks so much like another skinny, blond movie star, Margot Robbie, that people often confuse them....!) I would have loved to see an actor of size, and/or an actor of color, and/or a queer actor, chew up the scenery here. 

But this movie is an absolute joy and a commentary on classism and rich people on top of it, and I personally ate it up like an ice cream sundae. Enjoy! 

 What tv shows and movies have I been recommending during the pandemic?

Like the rest of the country, and much of the world, my family has been watching a lot more screens over the past year. Here are two kid-friendly shows & movies that stood out for me! 

Netflix: The Prom. 

Rating: A Lovely Movie! 

Fabulous Queer-Positive Musical With a Racially Diverse Cast, Plus Who Knew That Keegan Michael Key And Kerry Williams Could Sing*??

• Summary: A feel-good musical that has not only a racially diverse cast but also a terrific pro-queer storyline.  
• Appropriate for ages: I had absolutely no problem showing it to my 9-year old, and I would definitely consider it for even younger kids.
• There are a few moments that I chose to explain to my kids:
• In the song "Breathe," we hear the words "People suck in Indiana." It's worth explaining to younger kids that this character is having a hard time and being treated very badly, but that in general we don't judge folks from where they come from. At the same time, there are a lot of anti-queer laws in Indiana that give people permission to act the way they are acting in the movie, and so it makes sense that our heroine is experiencing a lot of homophobia. 
• In the song "We Look To You," Keegan Michael Key's character complains that his pay is "emasculating." Eye roll.
• James Corden's character has some self-loathing around his own appearance and sexual orientation, and uses some derogatory terms about himself. I don't remember all of them, but at one point he says, "Who cares if you're a big old girl? Just go out on that floor and twirl!" It's definitely worth reminding kids that while JC's character feels bad about being fat and feminine, there is actually NOTHING wrong with either of those things. The problems are society's fatphobia and misogyny. 

*I know, Jingle Jangle as well. But before THAT. 

Netflix: Finding Ohana. 

Rating: A Lovely Movie!

Indiana Jones meets The Goonies but MINUS the racism and sexism...! Whoa - if we watch this cool new movie instead of the old ones, did the 80s even really happen? 

Finding Ohana is AWESOME. It's set in Hawaii with a largely native Hawaiian and/or native American cast and, just as importantly, two BIPOC women at the helm. My kids found this totally thrilling. (And I am clearly not the only person who saw that they were drawing inspiration from these two movies - Ke Huy Quan is in ALL THREE OF THEM!)

• I haven't yet gotten to watch the whole thing but as far as I saw, and as far as I could tell from my white lens, it seemed culturally appropriate, respectful, and also not promoting of toxic masculinity. 
• Like most of the media in this world, it has no queer folks, and I didn't catch any disabled folks either (unless I missed something).

As always, folks, if I missed something important, please let me know in the comments or through a message!  

 The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster

An Otherwise Lovely Book

A deliciously clever 1970's literary classic that has almost no women; the women that do appear are weird sexist tropes

Oh man, do I love this book. I have loved it since I first read it in the 1970s. And oh man, is it problematic. 

The Phantom Tollbooth is a classic from my childhood, about a boy who travels to a magical land constructed of math, wordplay, puns, philosophy, and just delicious absurdities. For kids/parents/folks who love clever literary constructions for the sheer joy of it, this is your book. It also has great messages about amusing oneself and finding ways to enjoy what one has, instead of always looking for more. 

The big problem with this book is that it is blatantly sexist in two ways: 

1. Sexism by omission: There are hundreds of male characters, and only three women. 
2. Sexism in terms of the limited roles of women:
1. All three women are in prison. Literally.
2. The women don't participate in any of the many adventures. Two are waiting to be rescued; one just sits around. 
3. All three women wear dresses. No one else in the book wears dresses. Are women in this world allowed to wear pants?
4. Two of the three women are princesses, because really, what other jobs are there for women?  
5. The two princesses, Rhyme and Reason, serve as the ostensible reason for our hero's quest. They are only there as his motivation, and have really no other purpose or motivations of their own.  

If you choose to share this otherwise lovely book with kids, here are some inclusive discussion tips:

- Just point out the sexism. Ask, "Who gets to have the adventures in this book? Who is locked in prison? Who wears pants, and who wears dresses? Why do you think that is? What are some books where girls and women have adventures and wear pants? What are some books where boys wear dresses and are imprisoned? Why do you think there are more of some kinds than other kinds? Is that fair?"

- Name it. "This book was written by someone who forgot that women can exist in the adventurous parts of the book, too, and that any gender of person can wear any kind of clothes. Isn't that silly?"

Welcome, my friends, to In This Otherwise Lovely Book! 

In this blog I will attempt to share any wisdom I may have, or to which I have been happily adjacent, about social justice themes in the media, especially as it relates to parenting. 

I will be sharing my reviews and impressions of books, movies, tv series, etc. I will also link to other great resources like other websites that aggregate diverse media, or that review it.  

I will be tagging all of my entries by title of work as well as themes addressed, and by the ages of kids for whom the book/movie etc. discussed is appropriate. Please feel free to let me know any other search tools that would be helpful. 

I welcome comments, contributions, and additions. Please note that I will firmly delete any comments that derail this conversation. If you need to debate whether this blog needs to exist, Chad, you can do that somewhere else. :) 

Finally, this blog has been inspired and deeply influenced by the tireless and amazing work of Debbie Reese on her brilliant website, American Indians In Children's Literature. Honestly, if you only have time to follow one blog about Children's literature, follow hers; mine can only ever be a shadow in comparison. 

I thank you, Ms. Reese, from the bottom of my heart for: your amazing creation; your endless hard work; your kind responses to my questions every time I reached out to you; and for the inspiration that you gave me that helped me dream of, and bring to fruition, this page of my own. 

Thank you also to my children, who have endlessly put up with my meddling in their development and my obsession that they be able to see and critique problematic media; to my long-suffering partner, who has allowed me to criticize his favorite movies (#yourfaveisproblematic) at great personal cost :) ; to my dad, who is always happy to read what I write; and to my mom, who teaches me every day me to leave the world better, and more beautiful, than I found it.  

- toreyanna